This past week was incredibly tough because I took myself completely out of my comfort zone and started guitar lessons. It was something I’d wanted to do for years, but the fear had kept me from it. And instead of being excited about learning something new, getting out of the house and meeting new people, I was in full trigger mode.
I couldn’t get my mind off things like would I be able to park my car close enough to the class? How far was I going to have to walk to get to my classroom once I got inside the college? Or how many people was I going to have to walk past? ...More importantly, what if one of them has a gun?! It’s a college after all, and for someone like me, all I could think about was that shootings happened in colleges.
When I got to the college, it was all I could do to get out of the car. I had talked a friend of mine to sign up with me, but they weren’t there yet.
...As I sat waiting my heart started to race, my body broke out in a sweat, and I headed into a full blown panic attack. I started to cry (not sure why), but I always start to cry when I get emotional. I got this intense pain in my chest and when I get heart pain, it always makes me question whether it’s a panic attack, or whether it’s a heart attack.
The next thing that happens to me is I can’t catch my breath, and my head starts to shake. I’m not sure if this shake is even visible to someone else but to me it feels like my head is going to detach itself from my neck. Then my body starts dripping this horrible liquid called stress sweat, which we all know is nothing like ordinary sweat, and I question what the heck I’m doing?! Why do I do this to myself, why do I put myself in such anxiety provoking positions, when I don’t have to?!
The reason... I think the only way to survive with this disease is to keep fighting back, and never give into it. I believe that if I push myself to where it starts to feel difficult for me, and then kind of back up a notch, I can definitely learn how to live a somewhat normal life and continue to be a PTSD survivor.
Stay safe and stay strong. Thanks for following,