I’m not sure what’s worse; living with PTSD, or how I got it… The constant battle going on inside your head; one side saying it’s okay you have PTSD, and the other saying buck up and get over whatever the heck is going on with you!
What makes it worse is the attitude from the outside world… The ignorance around mental health; especially PTSD. Most people think the only people that get PTSD are veterans and first responders, but it also happens to civilians …especially when they grow up in a home full of abuse, and turmoil.
Which brings me to a decision that I’ve thought long and hard about… I got a tattoo; one that will always be a reminder that I’m not going to let “haters” get me down!
Now don’t get me wrong, the decision to get a tattoo didn’t come lightly, or without thought. In the past I always said I would never scar my body intentionally, but that decision came from a rational mind; a mind that wasn’t drowning in thoughts of inadequacy, and purgatory …that mind doesn’t exist anymore; it died in a workplace accident. The mind that now exists is constantly defending itself; not only to the person that owns it, but to all those external voices of criticism that come at me on a daily basis.
…Voices from people that honestly have no business criticizing, but because of my illness, I question myself first, before questioning them. The worst thing is, these questions usually make me question my mortality, and whether the world would be better off without me. And don’t go all “That’s being selfish, you only want attention,” on me because if that’s the way you think, you’ve never been in the same headspace as someone with PTSD, or any other mental illness for that matter!
In those times when you feel so utterly… Useless? Weak? Unreliable? A waste of space? …It’s so hard to define how the words from some people make me feel, but it’s in those times that I question my use (for lack of a better word) on this earth. And it’s in those times I honestly believe the world, and all those people that question my PTSD would be so much better without me in it.
But as you know, I’m a fighter and I’m always trying to figure out ways to survive. So, I went with my daughter; who struggles with anxiety and depression to get tattoos. Mine is a reminder that I am worthy, and despite of the way some people treat me, I’m metamorphosing into something incredible and no one is going to get me down!
It is a tattoo of a semi-colon to represent the fact that I’m still here; despite the life I was born into. And attached to the semi-colon there is a butterfly which signifies the metamorphosis I’m experiencing while discovering I’m beautiful, worthy and free of all the negativity around me.
Thanks for following. Stay safe, and stay strong.