So this past weekend my husband and I were supposed to go to his best friends daughter’s wedding. It was really important because Gary never had children of his own and this young girl has been much like a daughter to him.
When we got the invite I immediately said "yes." I knew it was an important day and when it comes to important dates I try to tell myself I should be able to be “normal” for one day, and in some cases I can do it ...it just depends on what’s been going on in my life at the time.
Leading up to the date wasn’t so bad but when it was less than a week away, everything went to shit. I started dissociating, became hyper-critical about everything and as usual Gary took the brunt of it.
It’s like a switch goes off in my head and I don’t seem to have control over my anxiety or my thoughts ...and I find fault in everything!
As Friday got closer I got more hyper-critical, more hyper-vigilante, and I started having nightmares and was afraid to go to sleep. Friday morning I couldn’t take the anxiety anymore and reached out to Bonnie; a friend I’ve known for forty years.
Bonnie knew the wedding was going to be an issue when I first told her about it. She asked me why I continually put myself through this kind of anxiety and I told her, for probably the hundredth time that I just wanted to be normal.
Bonnie laughed at me. She said, “But you aren’t Dee and I don’t mean that in a bad way, but you aren’t normal. You have PTSD and it’s time you stopped beating yourself up for trying to be something you aren’t!”
I started crying because I knew she was right. She told me she loved me and made me promise I’d go and talk to Gary as soon as I hung up the phone.
We talked for a few more minutes and then I hung up. I tried to dry my eyes and then went and sat down beside Gary; he was out back sitting under the walnut trees. I told him about the conversation I’d just had with Bonnie and he totally agreed with her. He said he knew it might upset the bride and her family, but my health was more important and we would make it up to them.
And it should have been over at that point. Gary had said it was fine, and it was for him but not for me. I was so worried that I’d let everyone down, something I hate doing, and I just couldn’t stop beating myself up.
...Looking back I know they’re right; I’m not normal and I never will be. And if they can love and accept me for not being normal, I need to love and accept myself as well.
Stay safe and stay strong. Thanks for following.