I was going to share what I’ve been writing in my journal this past 3-4 weeks, but someone brought something to my attention and I thought it would be more cathartic for me to write about “it” instead. “It” being the fact that I’ve become quite negative over this last couple of months and it needs to stop.
When it was brought to my attention, I would have to say that it definitely could have been done in a better, gentler, way, but I’m glad the person felt it needed to be discussed.
This person was part of a group of people that we’d invited out to the park for fireworks and a beach party. The recreation committee has been putting on a great show for years and we thought it would be nice to share it with anyone that wanted to come out.
…always keeping in the back of my mind that fireworks and people are things that are definitely out my comfort zone, but like everything else that reminds me that I’m not like most other people, I just figured if it got too much for me I could, and probably would, just leave.
Unfortunately, my mentality and the way I was going to deal with it, didn’t extend to anyone else so that’s not the way it turned out. When I discreetly turned around and left the beach, I apparently made everyone else worry instead, and that (apparently) destroyed the night for everyone.
When I think back, I’m not sure why my reaction upset everyone because there’s no secret about my PTSD symptoms and the things that trigger or upset me. In fact, everyone who knows me knows that it’s part of who I am and that because of the extent of my traumas, it will be a lifelong challenge for me.
I just don’t get it. I’m so sick of talking about it, but apparently everyone needs a reminder. Nothing has changed for me, I still don’t like crowds or loud noises and I’m sick of trying to explain how things like that make me feel. It is what it is and I can’t change that!
However, there is something I can change about it and that is to stop being so negative. Sure, we sold our house and we haven’t been able to find our forever home, but we’ve found a nice alternative and that is something to be positive about.
As of today, I’m going to start now and try to change my mindset and stop being so negative.
…I’m not even sure when I started down this slippery slope of despair, but it’s not who I want to be and for the most part, it’s unlike me. I try to stay positive but there’s just been too much of the unknown lately and somewhere over the last couple of months I stopped thinking rationally and I stopped walking my talk.
Starting the second I sat down to write this blog, I decided to change my mindset and I’m going to work on being more positive. I believe my husband and I are going to find the place that we want and it’s going to be beautiful. In the meantime, we have a roof over our heads and we have each other. We also have incredible support from our kids, their families, my husband’s family, as well as our friends, and we know that isn’t going to end.
We are going to find our forever home. It’s inevitable and I’m going to stay positive about it happening in the foreseeable future. In the meantime, nothing has really changed - we have shelter and the love of family and friends; that’s all that really matters in life.
Moving forward, I’m going to ask that you call me on my behaviour, just like the person that sponsored this blog. It’s imperative that I try to stay in a positive frame of mind, otherwise I end up where I am right now and that is having a whole mess of pity parties; as you know, they just aren’t very much fun. Plus, they aren’t very constructive in helping anyone - let alone myself - survive with an illness like PTSD.
Stay safe, stay strong and stay positive. Thanks for following.