I’m in love with my new therapist!! I never, ever thought I would say that about a therapist, but this one has helped me more in two sessions than almost anyone else I’ve seen over the years and I truly think he’s going to be able to help me get past my past; I’m going to call him Paul for the purpose of this blog.
One of the biggest struggles for me is believing in myself and I’m sure it’s a struggle for anyone that was abused. Our abusers make sure that they discredit us so that no one, and I mean no one, will believe our story. They manipulate us into thinking that we can’t think for ourselves, and when we do think for ourselves, they criticize our decisions and bash us down so that we don’t know what to think. They make us doubt our ability to make a decision and we feel the need to question almost every thought that goes through our heads.
Its what gaslighters do, period, and that’s the reason I decided to give therapy another chance. As you know, I’ve been a victim far too long and I knew it was time that I came up with some solutions to shut those deceitful, voices down before it’s too late to enjoy my life and that’s what Paul is teaching me to do.
During our first session, Paul told me about a sort of tradition the local farmers do when they meet up with each other in the farm fields. He said that they lean with their backs up against their property fences, look at each other, and say, “So, what do you know for sure?”
I don’t know about you, but my brain is always in overdrive and a lot of the time it feels there’s this constant buzzing going on, kind of like a hornet’s nest that’s just been knocked out of a tree. It’s loud and raucous and I feel almost like I’m going to come unhinged as the negative thoughts bounce around inside my head trying to find a way out.
During these moments, there doesn’t seem to be anything that I know for sure.
…but and it’s a big but, I’ve used Paul’s words quite a few times over the last two weeks and those six words are starting to work at helping me silence the buzzing. Plus the fact that I’m starting to believe in myself for the first time ever and I’m no longer basing my existence on the rumours that there was always something mentally wrong with my older brother, Ian and me. I no longer believe that my brother was mentally unstable because he had the umbilical cord wrapped around his neck (twice), or that I was unstable because I’ve always had Munchausen’s syndrome. These things I know for sure.
Stay safe, stay strong and try to remember to ask yourself what you know for sure the next time someone is trying to get inside your head. Thanks for following.