On May 2nd, the anniversary of my brother’s death, I wrote and posted an obituary for him; something that hadn’t been done yet. It had been a whole year since he died and even though I looked regularly to see if our parents had written an obituary, they still hadn’t. It was heartbreaking, because even in death, he was being treated like he didn’t belong to anyone.
It wasn’t the nicest obituary, but it’s how I felt and I feel even stronger about it now because not long after I posted it, I rec’d this message:
Non-believer: What on earth were you thinking Dee? I will message you when we return home. I am confused and angry right now.
Me: I’ve been confused and angry my whole life.
Then the conversation moved to messenger and this is how it went - sorry for any spelling errors but I was absolutely livid writing it because I believed this person would always have my back...
Me: You have no idea what my parents are truly like. Neither one has called me since I stopped calling them a year ago, and they knew I was suicidal. I haven't been invited to my father's place in almost ten years and I can show you email after email of excuses why we can't get together. I had a horrible childhood and I'm sick of hiding how my brother and I were treated. You can be angry if you want to, but this is between my parents and myself. I know you would never treat your kids the way Ian and I've been treated. And you would never let one of them leave this world and not write an obituary for them. There has to be a part of you that knows something about all of this isn't right and never has been. I love you, but this is not between you and I. You have no idea what my parents have been like to me and I'm not going to be treated this way anymore. Xo
Non-Believer: What you have done or what your parents have done to you is not why this post upset me. To openly attack your father on Facebook without having all the facts is not the right thing to do. You openly hated Ian, a man that terrified his son to this day. I have always listened to you Dee and loved you like a daughter, there is no call to end up your message with a veiled threat to me.
Me: Not intending to ever threaten you non-believer. Ever. I hated my brother while he was alive but there are a lot of things I found out about him and his relationship with our parents after he died that would have changed that. Yes, you have always loved me, and that's something that's helped me get past the lack of attention I got from my parents. You weren't around when we were younger and you've only been allowed to see what they wanted you to see. I've hidden so much bad stuff and I can't do it anymore. My mental state can't handle it. I've tried to talk to my father my whole life, but he only sees rainbows and butterflies. And now that I want answers, he refuses to acknowledge me. It's been over ten years since we've been invited anywhere near his house and his and his wife's excuses for not coming here are that it's too far. Whatever, I never thought I would ever have to defend myself to you, but I am. I love you, and I wish you all the best. Hopefully one day you'll want to hear my side of what it's been like, but I understand you wanting to stand by your sibling because that's something I wish I would have had the chance to do with my brother.
Me: I've taken it down, but will post it on my blog. I'm sick of the way my family treating me is being swept under the rug, and the only reason I deleted it was because it upset you. I don't care what my parents think and if you knew how they honestly treated me, you'd understand that. Anyway, when you want to hear my side of the story, I'd be more than willing to tell you. Gary can even reiterate the last 11 years just in case you're like everyone else and think I'm making it all up.
That’s it, nothing more was said and once again I hid the truth by taking it down ...but I promised myself no more lies of omission, and have posted it below.
Stay safe and stay strong. Thanks for following.
For those interested, this is my brother’s obituary:
Ian David Chesterton, survived by his son Eric Chesterton, and his sibling Davina Lytle.
Also survived by his nieces; Venessa Badour and Alyssa Gingras, his grand nephew; Remy Gingras and his grand nieces (in order of age); Hannah Badour, Abigaile Gingras, and Elizabeth Badour.
R.I.P. Ian Chesterton. We believe with the right guidance, you could have been so much more and I miss you for that!