I know it’s been awhile since I’ve written a blog entry but I needed to take a step back after the harassment I got from my family, especially the members that instigated it. You see I’ve never done anything to them, except hide the truth and it completely sent me for a loop. So much so that I ended up so stressed out and run down that I got shingles.
The reason... I believe my sister-in-law’s death was a murder made to look like a suicide and 75-85% of our families believe the same and I was honestly having visions of it happening to me. I kept seeing the person that’s been harassing me standing in my bedroom doorway with a gun and saying, "I told you 'maybe it’s time someone just made it stop' and I’m here to do that."
I know, I know - I was catastrophizing but as you all know, I’m a PTSD survivor and it’s what I do. I catastrophize everything and I was terrified this was going to happen. Gary tried to tell me not to worry and that Xena would bark if someone came into the house; but would she?! She knew this person and I just couldn’t convince myself she would protect me.
I started having nightmares about being shot and then the flashbacks started, taking me back to when I got held up. I stopped opening the curtains and going outside - again - and I even started avoiding the people in my life that were being supportive. I was in the middle of a trigger and all I thought about was hiding from the world.
The thoughts I was having were coming from the brain of someone with PTSD and I truly believed I was going to get murdered and they were going to make it look like suicide.
So... I took a step back, got my shit together and I’m here stronger than ever!
I know I don’t want to die and the last time I was stressed, instead of thinking suicide, I called a cab to take me to the psych ward at St. Joseph’s because I knew I needed to get some help. I finally realize that wanting to commit suicide is just a symptom of my illness and after years of struggling, I know the only reason I ever thought about taking my life was because of how certain family members and friends made me feel.
I was made to believe the world would be better off without me and the drama caused by my illness; but now I know differently. Ever since I stopped trying to have relationships with the family and friends who’ve been criticizing me, I’m really starting to believe in myself and I don’t feel the need to question my existence - quite so much.
I’ve taken a step forward, instead of ten steps back, and now that I’ve stopped associating with all the people that didn’t and don’t accept me for who I am, life is so much better. Instead of thinking the world would be better off without me, I believe that the world is a better place because I’m in it! I know (now) I’m worthy and with the absence of the people that were making me feel unworthy, I’m starting to believe in myself ...for the first time in my life!
Stay safe and stay strong. Thanks for following.