During this past year and a half, I’ve been in the process of writing this blog and a book about living with PTSD, but I’m having a tough time telling the truth about my abusers, and who they are. I question myself daily on whether I should tell my story because I think telling the truth will make me just like them. I’m so afraid of causing them pain, or worse, mental disorders of their own, and that makes me feel guilt and shame constantly.
Which brings me to an article I read the other day that is making me rethink that theory. It was an article about guilt and shame and how a person can be victimized into feeling shame because that’s how their abuser controls them.
Talk about an epiphany! I’ve made almost every decision in my life based on how it will affect someone else. Not because I’m the kind of person to go around hurting people’s feelings, but because I’ve been a victim, and I’m so afraid to put that on anyone else. I am so afraid of hurting anyone, or their feelings; I tend to put everyone else’s feelings before my own.
Even when it came to the night I attempted suicide. I jumped in front of a vehicle only to jump out the other side because in that split second where they say your life flashes before your eyes, the driver’s life flashed before mine. In that split second, I saw the terror in his eyes and all I could think about was this poor innocent man being tormented by a life with PTSD, and that I would have been the cause of it.
That’s where the article about guilt and shame comes in. I’ve been living with guilt and shame all my life, and it needs to stop. I was a child when my road to PTSD started and I shouldn’t be blaming myself for what happened to me, not at all. I didn’t deserve the abuse, or the neglect and I definitely don’t deserve to be suffering in silence. I’m the victim here and telling the truth about how I got PTSD isn’t victimizing anyone, it’s only protecting the next child abuse victim from feeling guilt or shame, or from living a life suffering in silence like I have done.
...Up until now.
Stay safe and stay strong. Thanks for following.