Am I glad that’s over! Not the visit with my friend Jack because that was amazing; I’m talking about Christmas! I thought that changing it up this year would help me to get through it, but it still really hit me hard.
I’m totally fine that I don’t have any contact with most of my family of origin, there is way too much history there. However, the reminder that I don’t have much of a family of origin hurts me to the core, if you get what I mean?
I was feeling pretty good until about two weeks before Christmas. Then I found myself staying in bed later and later; I also found myself crying a lot. It was then that I realized that I was starting to go down that lonely road; the one surrounded by darkness and inner demons.
Everywhere I looked and everyone I spoke to reminded me that Christmas was just around the corner and all I wanted to do was disappear. Sure, I was excited because I was going to be sharing the holidays with my chosen family, but the reminders that I was a misfit completely crushed me.
There were all kinds of posts on social media about unconditional love from parents and families of origin and they all reminded me just how alone I was.
Please, don’t get me wrong - I was and still am surrounded by my chosen family and they are incredible - but it just doesn’t compare. During the weeks leading up to Christmas I tried so hard to stay positive and pretend that everything was okay, but inside I was aching. I felt torn into so many pieces because I knew I should feel grateful for the people that were and still are in my life; I just couldn’t help but feel like something was missing.
I don’t think I can do that again ...the hurt and longing to be loved and accepted at the time of year when families are so close to one another, is unbearable.
I haven’t been on social media since Christmas Eve and it was partly because my internet went out and it couldn’t be fixed until today, but it was also because I just feel so dejected.
I know that ‘this too shall pass’ but right now, all I want to do is hide from the world. I honestly don’t have the energy to put on a happy face and fake it until I make it right now, so I’m going to take a little time off and do some self-care.
I shouldn’t be gone too long, hopefully not much more than a week or two.
Stay safe and stay strong. Thanks for following. xo