I’m really struggling with this week’s blog and it’s not because I have writer’s block; I just don’t have the oomph, if you know what I mean?
I’m feeling all out of sorts and I can’t seem to control my thoughts. There’s another offer in on our house and still another one to come, so the potential for a bidding war is in the wings.
I should be happy but I’m not. My husband is retiring and we’re going to buy a piece of property and build our dream house! Our DREAM house! This is something really positive and I should be over the moon, but I’m not.
All I can think about is my safety and what this move will to do to my head. Will it set me back in my recovery? Triggers come from nowhere and they can really set someone with PTSD back; I’m so scared this one is going to be detrimental to my mental well-being.
But then, my head is all over the place right now and I wonder if I’m making it worse by thinking about it so much?! I’ve spent the last 12 years avoiding everything that would trigger my PTSD so I can stay safe ...maybe I’m hindering the healing process?
Man, I feel completely out of control of my life and all I want to do is cry. I feel like I’m sitting on the edge of a frozen waterfall and it’s crumbling beneath me. I feel powerless as huge pieces of it break off and tumble away and as I watch, I wonder if I should just let it take me. It would be so easy to just stop scrambling and let my body fall down into the abyss. I’m tired of trying to fight the fear that’s hiding around almost every corner.
As tired as I am though, I’m not ready to give up.
My life is about to change. If I could just set the fear aside a little bit, then I might be able to convince the PTSD monster that lives in my head, that life really is good, that the memories are just that - memories.
Stay safe and stay strong. Thanks for following.