I know I’m supposed to be writing about the new adventure we started but it’s proving to be a lot more difficult than previously planned. I’m pretty sure I mentioned that we were supposed to be staying at a friend’s place while we were looking for a piece of property, but apparently you aren’t permitted to have anyone live in a trailer on your property.
So, we were forced to change our plans and look for a park and although we found one and it’s beautiful - it’s incredibly expensive, especially for retirees. Plus, there is someone in the park who has triggered me and I honestly feel like crawling into a ball and hiding under the covers – forever!
I just don’t get how some people can be the way they are and it's making my head spin, especially the fact that I won't be able to avoid this person.
…the worst thing is I'm having trouble calming myself.
Everything I used to be familiar with is gone, except for Gary and I’m feeling pretty discouraged. I’ve been trying to stay positive by believing things will sort themselves out but right now I feel like the sky is falling - again.
I know I should be embracing this for what it is – an adventure - but this damn disease is making it extremely difficult. I keep trying to tell myself that I’m going to get better and things are going to get easier, but when they don’t I get even more frustrated with myself.
And, having people constantly telling me to stop thinking about it or that I need to get over it is not helpful. I’ve been researching PTSD for just over 12 years, and I still haven’t figured out how to stop thinking about it; that in itself is so discouraging for me.
I know some of you are thinking that I should try harder, that I’ll get through it, and I want you to know that I am. The fact that I’m still here is proof of how hard I’m trying.
I finally found a lap top, an alternative for my desk top, and I’ve gotten back to my writing. If you’ve been following me, you know that writing is what has kept me sane this last couple of years and it’s not that I stopped this past few weeks – I still wrote, but nowhere near as much.
Honestly, I find it a lot harder to write without the help of a word processor and the ability to add or take away thoughts. When I write with a pen and paper, it just ends up being a jumble of scratched out words and the “mess” on a clean piece of paper just adds to my anxiety; I’m a perfectionist and there is nothing perfect about scribbled thoughts on a page. In fact, I’ve started new journals because I just can’t look at… I’m not sure what I can’t look at, but it’s all good now that I’ve got a lap top.
Another thing that’s getting me back on track is being in touch with my support groups on social media. It was torture not having access to the internet and all the support I get from my social media family, but all that is sorted out now.
I will get there – I know I will. This was just another little set back.
Stay safe, stay strong and stay tuned to hear more about this new part of my journey.