It was a long hard year but I’m proud to say that I fulfilled my main goal of 2018 and that was to move forward. Last year; 2018, marked thirteen years since I was held up and then diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and considering that thirteen is one of my lucky numbers I decided to make it the year to make a significant change in my life.
If you’ve been following along, you know that the change I’m speaking of was to start making my life about me instead of making it about everyone else. It meant moving forward with the people that believed in me, as well as learning how to say no and to stop trying to explain myself or my symptoms. Because my life changed on that fateful day in 2005, and some would say it changed for the worse, and that it was when I lost my mind, but they’re wrong; the shape of my brain may have changed, but I didn’t lose my mind. In fact, I found it and a lot of the memories I had buried for self-preservation started to come out. The trouble was that when I started talking about the memories that were coming forward and the abuse I endured, I was accused of lying and I lost a lot of the people I believed were by my side prior to my getting held up.
…I’m not really sure why, but I believe it was easier for certain people to turn their backs on me instead of drawing attention to themselves by asking questions and losing multiple people, instead of just losing me, but I’m only speculating.
The good thing that’s come from all of it, and the reason I’m sharing it, is that I succeeded in moving forward. I remained strong this past year and when I was asked to defend myself and my mental illness, for the umpteenth time, I said no. I didn’t falter; not once, even though the year ended with hate mail from three people I care deeply about.
…but that’s another blog.
I’ve become stronger and I’ve learned how to believe in myself and the decisions I make instead of doubting myself all the time. I no longer find myself looking for approval or having to bounce my ideas off someone that cares more about how my decisions will affect them instead of how they will affect me.
Not only that, I’m finally able to trust in the love coming from my husband’s family and that’s huge. For me it feels like love and attention have always come at a cost and knowing there’s a family that loves me for me instead of what I can do for them, makes me feel like I finally belong.
Going forward the decisions I make will continue to be about myself and what is good for me and I truly hope you will do the same and make your life about you because it’s time. You and I may be living with mental illness, but we’re warriors and I believe that if we stick together the sky is our new limit. Let’s make 2019 about us and learning how to live our lives authentically, instead of worrying about everyone else. Happy New Year!
Stay safe and stay strong. Thanks for following.