I was raised with the attitude that mental issues were just made up; that they were just a person’s indolent, slothful excuse to get out of holding down a job. So after I was held up, not only was I dealing with the brain trauma, I was dealing with insolence from myself; as well as getting it from some of my family.
Over the years I have struggled... Man have I struggled, and I’ve thought about suicide - a lot! I’ve spent years in therapy trying to find a “cure;” trying anything from CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) to EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique), always going into each treatment with an open mind. ...Hoping beyond all hope that something was going to work, but when the treatment would fail, I would come crashing down like the rug had literally been ripped out from under me and it would take months to get me back on my feet again.
It’s now been almost 4 years since I’ve tried any kind of therapy, and I’m in a really bad place. Over the last seven months; since my oldest sibling died, I’ve tried to reach out to my family for answers as to why they allowed me to go through what I went through ...I got two responses; one saying they’d never done anything to warrant an apology, the other asking me if I remembered any of the good times?
Which don’t get me wrong; I have some great memories, but they seem to be buried under all of the bad memories, and I can’t figure out how to get past them. I feel like I’m drowning and I desperately need someone to throw me a rope.
My life is passing me by, and I’m scared; terrified in fact! Although I have some really good relationships, I’m having a lot of trouble focusing on them. I not only lost my older brother this year; I believe I lost a large portion of my family (through alienation), and I’ve never felt so solitary. I’ve been questioning everything about my life, and because of the reaction from my parents; the people that should love me unconditionally, I’m scared I’m going to lose everyone. After all, if some of my biological family thinks I’m f*#ked up, how long will it be until everyone starts to believe I am?!
So... This is where I go into survival mode and fight back. I’m going to try therapy again and I start tomorrow. The treatment is something I haven’t heard much about, but I’m keeping my fingers (and toes) crossed that it’s going to give me some hope, and stop the suicidal ideation.
For those of you that are interested, it’s called Trauma Incident Reduction treatment, and you can find out more by checking it out here: http://www.tir.org/about-tir.html, or you can read about my progress here to see if you think it will work for you.
Thank you so much for your support! Stay safe and stay strong.