When I first started writing my book, it was for therapeutic reasons; I knew that I had to get the thoughts out of my head and on to paper, in order to get past them.
I completed my manuscript and as most of you know, I had it edited but not at all to my satisfaction. It’s been sitting on a shelf in my office and I have tried to work on it, but it’s proving to be a daunting task and I finally think I know why.
Over the last year and a half, not only have I written over 160 pages in a book but I’ve written an article for Moods Magazine and I’ve written a multitude of blogs. I’ve done two podcasts and two interviews, both of which never made it to print, but all in all - hundreds of thousands of words.
Words about child abuse, words about domestic violence, words about a person’s struggles, but most of all, words about a survivor telling a story about what it’s like to live with mental illness.
While I wrote these words, a really strange thing began happening; I started to heal. Slowly, I was able to write about the things that happened in my life - without crying, getting upset or worse yet, being triggered. This meant I was finally able to speak openly and honestly about all of the bad things that happened to me.
Not everyone wanted to listen and I was met with a lot of adversity, especially from my family of origin, but I kept talking and I truly feel like a new woman.
Which brings me to the topic of this week’s blog. I’ve decided to shelve my book; not forever, but for now.
I’m in a really good place right now and I feel as though continuing with my book at this point would be like taking a step (or should I say steps) backward. It seems like every time I try to write about the things from my past, it’s as if the universe is sending me a warning. One that arrives in the form of a phone call from the police or emails from people who believe they know what is best for me, and I believe that none of it is conducive to my healing.
The police have told me the only way I can talk about my past openly without being sued, is to have the parties charged; allow the courts to decide whether it’s the truth or not... I already know the truth, so I don’t want to waste anymore of my life; I want to start living before it's too late.
I’m so tired of living in the past and I just want to heal. Now that I’ve gotten most of the memories out of my head, and onto paper, I don’t have to live in the past; I can finally start moving forward.
I’m going to continue writing my weekly blog, but it’s going to be more about the new life I have planned out for me and my husband. We are retiring and heading out onto the open road and as you know, that might prove to be difficult for me. It won’t be impossible, but it’s definitely going to have its challenges and I’m going to write about how I face each and every one of them - head on!
Plus, now that my mind isn’t on my book, I’ll have more time to write guest blogs for the people who have been asking me to write for them since I began my journey to #endthestigma.
I sincerely hope you’ll continue to follow along and read about my trials and tribulations, and also watch them. As promised, I’m going to start vlogging once our house is sold and we begin our new life as nomads. I think it’ll make it more exciting to see where we are, as well as read about it.
It’s not going to be easy travelling and living on the open road, especially with someone with PTSD, but my husband wants to retire and this is something we’ve talked about for years. He’s my rock and with him by my side, I really believe I can do this, that we can do this.
Stay safe and stay strong. Thanks for following.