I’ve gotten some flack since my last blog and I wanted to clarify a few things.
I started writing a book about living with PTSD about five years ago. There have been many things that have gotten in my way, fear being one of them, but I want you to know that it isn’t fear that’s making me pause with the book now - it’s self-preservation.
You see, I’ve uncovered a lot about my past through therapy, as well as all the writing I’ve done, but unfortunately the only way I can tell the truth - the whole truth and nothing but the truth - is if I have my abusers charged and let the courts decide on the verdict.
That would be okay if I believed in the system, but I don’t believe in the system. There have been many times in my life when the system should have been there to “fix” things in my life but it didn’t. Times when the proof was there that I was the victim, with so much clarity, yet I was unprotected and I believe this scenario would be the same; I wouldn’t be protected and I wouldn’t see justice.
It would be dragged through the courts and witnesses that weren’t even living in Canada while the abuse was going on, would come forward and swear they were around for that time. Then it would be my word against all of theirs and the judge would dismiss it based on lack of evidence.
Not before cleaning out my bank account, mind you, or triggering me to a point where I would be suicidal again, but the loss for me would be inevitable ...it’s just the way it goes. I’m not being negative I’m just being a realist. There is no easy way for me and I believe that continuing to write this book right now would be like taking a step, or steps, backwards.
A year ago one of my goals was to force myself to go and sit outside on my front step, and it was hard - really hard. My alarm was set to go off at 11:00 every morning, I’d grab a coffee and a joint and I would make myself sit there for five minutes. It was weeks before I could up the ante, but I did it - first to five-and-a-half minutes, then to six minutes, and so on.
Months went by and there were days when I couldn’t muster up the guts to open the front door, but through perseverance I did it. Not only did I master sitting on the step for longer periods of time, it got so that I was able to walk around; first the front of the house, and then at the back. I’d pick up twigs that had fallen from the trees, or walk across the street to get the mail and eventually I progressed so I didn’t think about the fear.
In fact, yesterday the only thought I had about fear while I was outside, was the lack of it! I was standing in the front yard with the rake in my hands, when all of a sudden the clouds parted and the sun came out overhead. As I looked up to admire it, I saw a hawk flying across the sky and thought to myself how much I loved nature, and then I was crying.
Crying because as I looked back down towards the pile of leaves I’d formed on the ground, I realized that I was outside and had been for at least a half-an-hour and the only thought I’d had, was a positive one. This was confirmation that I’ve been moving forward, and without the inevitable steps backwards that have been a part of my life for as long as I can remember.
That's why I had to make the decision to shelve my book; not because of fear but because I'm moving forward and I can't risk going backward again if I can help it.
Stay safe and stay strong. Thanks for following.