I’ve been thinking a lot about how I treat you and I want you to know how sorry I am...
Sorry for all the times I have flinched when you’ve tried to show me affection.
...I don’t mean to hurt you - my first thoughts are of my abusers and how they continually crossed my personal bounds.
Sorry for my hyper-vigilance and the fact that I jump when you come into view, even though I know you’re just around the corner.
...I don’t mean to hurt you - my first thoughts are of my abusers and how they would come out of nowhere and hit me, or worse yet, force me into the cubbyhole that so commonly became my home.
Sorry for always locking you out of the house when all you’re doing is going into the garden, or to get something you forgot out of your car.
...I don’t mean to hurt you - my first thoughts are of my abusers and how I still fear their threats that they’re going to come and get me.
Sorry for asking you to do something for me and then standing over you like you aren’t capable of doing it.
...I don’t mean to hurt you - my first thoughts are of my abusers and how nothing was ever good enough for them.
Sorry for being so withdrawn and solemn.
...I don’t mean to hurt you - my first thoughts are of trying to make myself small and insignificant, so that I won’t be noticed.
Sorry for not being there as a wife and lover.
...I don’t mean to hurt you - my first thoughts are of being violated so many times without my consent.
Sorry for not being able to adult and do things like the grocery shopping, or running around.
...I don’t mean to hurt you - my first thoughts are that I might run into my abusers.
I know you aren’t the enemy and I often wonder how the heck you put up with me and all my different moods. When you approach me, whether it’s for a kiss or to ask a question, you never knowing whether I’m going to answer you back with love or bite your head off, honestly, it must be so hard for you never knowing where my head is at!
...And I know that writing this doesn’t abdicate me for being just like my abusers, but I want you to know that lately I’ve become aware of what I’m like to live with and I want you to know that I am truly sorry.
I know that I should have been going to therapy and working on getting better, but I’ve been so friggin’ scared. The memories I have in my head are almost more than I can bear and I’m so afraid that delving into them deeper will break me, but if I don’t start my recovery I’m going to break you instead and that is the furthest thing from my mind.
Honestly, it’s time I get the past out of my head and started living in the present. I want to start showing you how much I love and appreciate you, instead of treating you like I want you to leave. You are my friend, my partner, and my confidante!
From the bottom of my heart baby, please know that I’m really, really sorry for how I’ve treated you and I promise from this moment on, I’m going to work hard to show you the kind of love that you’ve always shown me. I started therapy again and I’m going to work on making myself better. I know that I can get past this and learn how to live in love and happiness instead of living in fear!
Love you baby. Xoxo...