Now That You're Gone, I Feel Regret Like None Other... (approx. 4 -5 minute read)

I lost my mother two days ago, and I feel regret like none other.

It’s strange because I stopped calling her mom, a long time ago. Instead, I’ve called her Gladys; the name her parents gave her, when ever I’ve talked about her. I did it because she hated the name; so much so, that she changed her name legally to Elizabeth decades ago. Up until her death, I never thought about why my mother changed her name, but I’ve realized over the last few days that it was her mother’s name, and she had the same dislike for her mother, as I had for mine, and that’s probably why she did it.

There are so many thoughts running around my head right now. My brain feels like it’s a pile of mush and all I can think is why didn’t I try harder to fix our relationship instead of spending so much time hating her? Yes, she wasn’t the greatest mother, but she was also hurting inside. She was born while her father was away at war and because of an illness, her father wasn’t able to return until she was five years old, and that must have been rough on her, as well as her mother.

Another question I’m asking myself, is why I didn’t think about these things while she was alive? Instead, I only thought about how broken I was and the lack of help I got from her and my father, but now I’m left feeling absolutely gutted. Devastated that I never got to understand why she treated me the way she did, as well as the fact that we didn’t forgive each other until she was on her death bed.

You (my readers) know I was angry with her because of a blog I wrote a blog to her in 2017, called, “Don’t you Worry Your Pretty Little Head,” but now all I feel is shame and regret for what I said. As I wrote that last sentence, Gary, my husband just came into the room. I was crying and he reminded me that all she ever did was spit nails at me, and if she wasn’t sick, she would have still been spitting nails, but all I can think about is, why we couldn’t have worked things out?! I knew from all my research, that abusers come from abused families, so she was dealing with her own demons, but up until the last few days, I couldn’t see past the end of my nose. I felt like she hated me because she definitely said a lot of nasty things about me, but as my brother stated yesterday, we were both pigheaded…and that we were. And I know I haven’t mentioned my brother up until this point because we were also estranged, but he recently came back into my life, after 6+ years. He and I had been told lies about each other and instead of reaching out to find out the truth, we just ignored and blamed each other. Then he came out of nowhere six months ago, and the first thing he tried to do was get my mother and I back together. He told me she was really sick and she only wanted my forgiveness; that she really did love me. Unfortunately, all I spewed back at him was nastiness, and told him that if he showed up to my property with her in the car, I would make him leave.

Honestly, when I look back on some of the things I said about her, I’m ashamed. Especially when I see how much my oldest daughter’s heart is hurting over the loss of her Nana because my mother was always there for her. They had a relationship anyone would be envious of, and the pain my daughter feels in her heart at this moment, makes me realize that she did have love in her heart, and a lot of it.

Regrettably, when I think about it now (as my mother is being cremated), I feel like it was my fault for being so “pigheaded.” I always thought that if she truly wanted me back in her life, she would have reached out, and she could have because I never changed my cell number, or my email address; in hopes that she would reach out…but she never did, so I never did. Now, I’ll never get the chance to change things or figure out how to make things right, but I will take solace in the fact that we were able to tell each other we forgave each other before she left this world.

If there is someone in your life that you are being “pigheaded” about, I believe you should ask yourself how you would feel if they left this world without you being able to say what needs to be said? I think you may be surprised at the compassion that enters your heart because I am. Stay safe and stay strong. Thanks for following.