Fear Thou Not; For I Am With Thee (7-8 minute read)

As you know it’s been quite awhile since I last wrote a blog post, and I’m not sure why. It could have been the state of mind I was in when I wrote my last blog because my mother had just died and I had a lot to think about. Or the fact that since the world went crazy in 2020, time seems to have sped up, and I can’t seem to find enough time in a day to complete the tasks I set out for myself. All I do know is that my life has changed exponentially, and all for the better. The best part about the change, is that I no longer live my life in fear – of anything, but in order to tell you why, or how, I have to go back in time to approximately a week before my mother died in July of 2022.

Are you ready, because it’s quite the roller coaster ride, but in a really good way.

Back in 2021, when my husband, Gary and I moved to New Brunswick, Canada, we kept passing an abandoned house when we’d go to Fredericton; one of the major cities in New Brunswick. It’s an old Victorian house; yellow in colour and it’s tucked away in the woods looking cozy, for lack of a better word. I’m not really sure why Gary and I were drawn to it, but we were. Everytime we passed it, we wondered who it belonged to and if it was truly abandoned, or just empty because of covid.

Then on June 17, 2022, Gary came home from shopping in Fredericton and said, “You’re never going to believe it, but there’s a car in the driveway at the yellow house.” I turned to him with the biggest smile on my face and said to him, “Let’s go and introduce ourselves.

The next morning, we finished our breakfast and headed out; without any trepidation. When we got there, we parked at the bottom of the driveway, and as we started walking through the trees, I jokingly said to Gary, “I hope they don’t have a big dog,” whilst in fact, I was thinking – what if they were axe murderers?!

…but we kept walking, and when we got to the porch, I walked straight up onto the porch, again without hesitation and knocked on the door. After about 30 seconds, the door was opened by this tall attractive man, with dark hair and the most radiant smile, we’ll call him Craig. He looked at both of us and said, “Good morning, we were just about to have coffee, come on in.” Again, there was no reluctance on my part, and I’m not sure why because as you know, I used to be very leery with strangers, but I soon found out that there was a greater power at work.

We followed Craig down a long hallway into a huge kitchen where his girlfriend; Sonya, and an older gentleman; Jake, sitting at the kitchen table. They were just as friendly as Craig and told us to make ourselves at home, which we did. Then after introducing ourselves to each other, we fell into a conversation which was more akin to a conversation amongst long lost friends, not total strangers.

Hours went by as we became better acquainted, and Craig mentioned that he needed to find an internet signal somewhere because he needed to reach out to his family. Craig, Jame’s, and Sonya were only going to be at the house for a week or two and didn’t have internet access. Needless to say, Gary and I told them to come and use ours, so we all piled into our car and headed to our place which was only five minutes down the road.

Not long after we got to our house, Jake started talking about faith, as well as his belief in God, and then Craig and Sonya followed. As you know, I had always felt abandoned by God because of my past, but I listened to what they had to say, especially Jake, because he had some great stories about how God had helped him - throughout his life. As Gary and I listened, we walked around our property, and at some point, the conversation became about me and Jake stopped walking and out of nowhere said, “I believe you struggle with forgiveness, and I’m wondering who it is that you are having the most difficulty forgiving.”

…Tears began streaming down my face before I could deny what Jake had said, and I couldn’t hold them back. I have been working on getting past my past, for decades, but forgiveness is something I have always struggled with, even though I knew that unforgiveness was hurting me. I also knew that if I didn’t forgive my abusers, it would be hard to get beyond my past and move on. Yet, here was this stranger telling me what was holding me back, and I felt in that moment that I needed to put an end to it, but I didn’t know where to start.

Jake said that I needed to send cards to everyone telling them that I forgave them for how they treated me and send them in the mail. I got started straight away and while I was writing out the card for my mother, my brother called me and told me that our mother wasn’t well. I told him to tell her that I was writing a card to her telling her that I forgave her, and he said, “Are you really?” I told him yes and he asked me if I would go on Facetime and tell her what I just told him and again, I said yes. (I talk about it in this blog: https://www.davinalytle.com/blog/2022/7/21/now-that-youre-gone-i-feel-regret-like-none-other-approx-4-5-minute-read )

The next day, I spoke to my mother on Facetime, and told her that I forgave her, but unfortunately, she was unresponsive, but my brother told me that she squeezed my daughter’s hand and she smiled at him. I truly believe that it was what she needed to move on from this world, because she died less than a hour later.

After she died, things really changed for me and I felt that there was a greater power at work in my life. I had always told people that I would never forgive her, but after her death, it was apparent to me that if I hadn’t forgiven her, I would have had a really hard time getting over it. Especially if I had let her go to the grave thinking that she wasn’t forgiven. She had claimed to be a Christian woman, ever since I was a little child, but I know in her last years, she became a faithful servant to the Lord.

In the weeks following her death, I felt gutted for so many reasons, and I beat myself up for months, but as time went by, I realized how important my forgiveness of her was to my wellbeing. Had I ignored the opportunity to set her free; as well as myself, I would have struggled for a long time, and the journey I’ve been on since that day would have been completely different. Instead, I questioned how and why I changed my mind about forgiving her and my thoughts brought me back to Jake, and why he came into my life for such a brief time (he went back to his home in Mexico and hasn’t been back since), and I Know now that it was God.

Yes, I said God and I know this testament might be hard for a lot of you to believe because in the past I’ve written about how I believed God abandoned me many years ago. Not only that, I use to tromp on anyone that mentioned God. Fortunately, now I know that it was me that abandoned God, and if I would have had Him in my life when I got held up that day; almost 19 years ago, I don’t think I would have felt the fear to move forward, and I know I never would have tried to take my life.

My life has changed immensely, and I thank God, everyday for helping me to walk the path I walk now. When I think about Him, my heart is so moved, that I can’t help but cry happy tears, because I know He has my back and if I start to struggle, I just let go, and let God. Isaiah 41:10 says, Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with thy right hand of righteousness. And because of Him, I am not afraid anymore - of anything.

Stay safe and stay strong.

*Some of the names have been changed