Medicinal Marijuana and PTSD. (approx. 3 min. read)

When I was first diagnosed with PTSD I took my therapist’s advice and started taking anti-depressants, anti-anxiety meds and sleeping pills. I don’t like to take meds of any kind because I’m quite sensitive and seem to get a lot of side effects, but I needed them. I was suicidal, not getting much sleep and I couldn’t leave the house, let alone open the curtains because I was so afraid of the outside world.

I wanted the meds to work so badly because I didn’t like the person I was becoming, but they didn’t. The anti-depressants made me cough all the time, as well as sweat uncontrollably and the sleeping pills were great at helping me sleep, but did nothing for me when I was trying to wake out of a night terror.

So, I did what I do best and I started doing research on what the military were doing for PTSD and was completely surprised by what I found. The first article I read discussed studies that were being done in Afghanistan using medicinal marijuana on our servicemen, and how it was helping with night terrors and anxiety. I went on to read article after article explaining how it worked and then decided to try it.

I found a recipe called “Dropdead Cookies” in “HighTimes,” and baked my first batch. The first night I ate half a cookie which contained about ½ of a gram (it was disgusting!!), but I slept five hours without so much as a whimper!! I hadn’t slept more than 30-45 minutes without a night terror in 30+ years! I was over the moon, but was it a fluke?

I’m always waiting for the ball to drop if you know what I mean: and I was afraid this was too good to be true. So, I tried it again and I have to say, I’ve never looked back. The only time I’ve had a night terror since I started taking marijuana, is when I went on holiday and couldn’t find any to eat before I went to sleep.

Now don’t go getting all high and mighty on me because I’m not a “pothead,” I’m extremely health conscious. The only pills I “pop” are Vitamins and Pro-Biotics, and I mean that ...I don’t even take Advil/Tylenol for a headache because I’ve found something that works so much better ...and other than medicinal marijuana doing what it’s supposed to do, there are no side effects. So I don’t have to take meds for heartburn, high blood pressure, bloating or constipation.

I eat 95% non-GMO (Genetically Modified/Engineered Organisms) and for those of you that don’t know what that is; Google it because it’ll probably solve a lot of mysterious health issues you may have. My husband hasn’t had a migraine, or cluster headache since we changed to non-GMO and he suffered from them for over a decade. Plus, I work out 5-6 times a week doing HIIT (High-intensity Interval Training), Zumba, cycling, and weight training. I’ve never been in such good shape but I digress...

Marijuana has given me my life back. I’m not symptom free, but I have something to take when PTSD is rearing its ugly head and I’m unable to leave the house. It helps to control my anxiety, daytime flashbacks, night; as well as, daytime sweats. Plus I’m able to function better and finally live, because I’m getting at least five hours of sleep a night.

This is my experience and it’s a relief to have something that finally helps, because the lack of sleep; amongst other things, were really testing my sanity. I hope you can find something that helps you. Oh, and don't forget to check out the links below to read about the scientific reasons why medicinal marijuana works so well on the traumatized brain.

Thanks for following. Stay safe and stay strong.

References:

http://www.newsweek.com/pot-and-ptsd-358139

http://medicalmarijuana.ca/news/0/237

http://veteransformedicalmarijuana.org/content/general-use-cannabis-ptsd-symptoms

https://www.fromshocktoawe.com/

I Don't Ever Mean to Be Condescending. (approx. 2-3 min. read)

Sometimes I write things that I think might seem condescending; like cutting out the negativity, and or the negative people. And I want you to know that although I say it like it’s easy to do; that couldn’t be further from the truth! Since I started cutting out the negativity, and talking about all the rotten things that have happened in my past, I’ve lost someone really close to me. …Someone that means more to me than life itself, and I truly feel like my heart is broken.

I never meant to hurt this person; but I did. I hid the truth from her about anything I thought would harm her character, and now she can’t see beyond my dishonesty…

But this is where I need you to cut me some slack… I only ever lied to protect those I loved and the memories I gave her were memories that helped her grow up feeling loved; as well as feeling important.

I tried to protect her by not talking about any of the negative stuff that happened, and if she had a negative memory, I tried to change it. And when bad things happened; and/or relationships broke down, I made sure to candy-coat her memories of them. I didn’t mean to hurt her, I just didn’t want her growing up feeling like my older brother and I; and that was worthless and unloved.

So… when I say I’ve done, or that I’m doing certain things to help me survive with this awful disease, please understand I don’t say those things lightly. I know how hard it is to live with PTSD and all I’m trying to do is pass on what works for me.

Try to remember there are going to be people that will back away from you; as well as people you need to back away from, but one day they’re going to want to hear your side of the story. In the mean time also remember that their reaction, is their reaction, and their issues with the truth, are their issues with the truth; NOT yours.  

Thanks for following. Stay safe and stay strong.

Feeling a Little Selfish... (approx. 1½ - 2 min. read)

As you know I’ve been priming myself for surgery for months. I stocked up the freezer with home-made dishes that just need to be preheated; wrote 3-4 week’s worth of blogs; and cleared my calendar; which was hard because looking at a blank calendar every time someone called me to book something, reminded me I had surgery coming up.

For those of you that have had a surgery, you know what I’m talking about. I was worried about the anesthetic; the recovery time; who was going to care for me for the first week, or so while I only had the use of one hand, but there was the other side of it too. The PTSD side and the worries that come with it; the night terrors, the fact there will be strangers touching me while I’m asleep, and unable to protect myself. Plus, the ever present thoughts of immortality; not that wrist surgery is life threatening, but there is a 5% chance of me not coming out of the anesthetic!

...To top it all off, I’ve had a week full of really bad news regarding chosen family, and my brain feels like it’s going to explode!!! I’m not sure if it’s the friend who was recently told she’s palliative; the friend whose husband was rushed to the hospital with a brain bleed; the friend whose daughter is in a drug induced coma to stop her from having seizures; or the friend whose daughter has just been diagnosed with a rare form of cancer?!

I’m full to overloading and the thing that seems to have put me over the edge is how upset I am about having my surgery cancelled, and how selfish I feel for being upset!

...But now as I sit here and ponder about what I've just written, I'm reminded my surgery is elective. It isn’t cancer, or a brain bleed and I need to pick myself up, go get a shower and face the day. I have some friends that are in desperate need of some love; and support, and my time could be way better spent with them.

Besides, I don’t need to stress about my upcoming surgery because I just did that, and I survived.

Thanks for following. Stay safe and stay strong.

Having Surgery on Friday and Looking for Some Words of Wisdom. (approx. 2½ min. read)

I’ve had a ganglion cyst on my right wrist since I was in my twenties, and it’s become such a problem that it’s pressing on the nerves that control the use of my hand. In the beginning I could bash it with a book; it would burst, and be gone for a year (or two), and then I would just bash it again.  The last six years or so, bashing it with a book doesn’t work and it’s gotten incredibly painful, so I’ve consulted a surgeon. I’ve had a couple of cortisone shots, had it aspirated twice, and now the surgeon wants to remove it surgically.

For those of you that don’t know what a ganglion cyst is; it’s a tumour; or swelling on top of a joint; or the covering of a tendon. Depending on it’s size it can cause pain, tingling and numbness in the fingers, especially if it’s connected to a tendon. If there is pain, it can become chronic and made worse by joint motion. Which I suspect is what has made it so painful in the last year, or so because all I’ve been doing is writing; 24/7 it seems.

So after six years of tests, aspirations, and physio, it’s finally going to be removed and although I couldn’t be happier, I’m scared shitless…

Scared of what you might say? …Everything, I say! The surgery, being at the mercy of strangers, feeling so incredibly vulnerable (I’m not comfortable with anyone touching me, especially people I don’t know), of how long it might take to recover, and most of all …terrified I’m going to have a night terror while I’m under anaesthetic…

As you know, my husband and our furry family member; Xena wake me when I’m having a night terror. They know all the signs and that all I’m trying to do is wake up; that I need to wake up, but they aren’t going to be there. I’m going to be with strangers; people that might not understand why I’m so terrified to go to sleep…

I’m not sure I can survive my night terrors… I just don't think my brain can handle those kind of memories before combusting, and I need to wake up before it gets to where I’m sure I’m going to die (this time). And you might think it’s strange that I’m afraid of dying, yet I think about suicide, but that’s the nature of the beast. I don’t seem to have control of my thoughts most of the time…

Anyway, I’m looking for help this week… I’m wondering what my fellow PTSD survivors would do to get through this? Is there anything you can suggest that will help to alleviate some of the fear that comes from situations like this? Situations where we have absolutely no control?

Thanks for following. Stay safe, and stay strong.

Something to Remind Me My Journey Isn’t over yet. (approx. 2½ min. read)

I’m not sure what’s worse; living with PTSD, or how I got it… The constant battle going on inside your head; one side saying it’s okay you have PTSD, and the other saying buck up and get over whatever the heck is going on with you!

What makes it worse is the attitude from the outside world… The ignorance around mental health; especially PTSD. Most people think the only people that get PTSD are veterans and first responders, but it also happens to civilians …especially when they grow up in a home full of abuse, and turmoil.

Which brings me to a decision that I’ve thought long and hard about… I got a tattoo; one that will always be a reminder that I’m not going to let “haters” get me down!

Now don’t get me wrong, the decision to get a tattoo didn’t come lightly, or without thought. In the past I always said I would never scar my body intentionally, but that decision came from a rational mind; a mind that wasn’t drowning in thoughts of inadequacy, and purgatory …that mind doesn’t exist anymore; it died in a workplace accident. The mind that now exists is constantly defending itself; not only to the person that owns it, but to all those external voices of criticism that come at me on a daily basis.

…Voices from people that honestly have no business criticizing, but because of my illness, I question myself first, before questioning them. The worst thing is, these questions usually make me question my mortality, and whether the world would be better off without me. And don’t go all “That’s being selfish, you only want attention,” on me because if that’s the way you think, you’ve never been in the same headspace as someone with PTSD, or any other mental illness for that matter!

In those times when you feel so utterly… Useless? Weak? Unreliable? A waste of space? …It’s so hard to define how the words from some people make me feel, but it’s in those times that I question my use (for lack of a better word) on this earth. And it’s in those times I honestly believe the world, and all those people that question my PTSD would be so much better without me in it.

But as you know, I’m a fighter and I’m always trying to figure out ways to survive. So, I went with my daughter; who struggles with anxiety and depression to get tattoos. Mine is a reminder that I am worthy, and despite of the way some people treat me, I’m metamorphosing into something incredible and no one is going to get me down!

It is a tattoo of a semi-colon to represent the fact that I’m still here; despite the life I was born into. And attached to the semi-colon there is a butterfly which signifies the metamorphosis I’m experiencing while discovering I’m beautiful, worthy and free of all the negativity around me.

Thanks for following. Stay safe, and stay strong.

Anybody Else a Back-Seat Driver? (approx. 2 min. read)

I was in an accident with my youngest daughter shortly after I was diagnosed with PTSD and it’s made me a horrible passenger; especially when we’re passing a truck.

It was an incredibly hot day and we were heading into Stoney Creek so she could do her road test. Before we left the house I spent what felt like most of the morning talking on the phone with my counsellor because going out of the house was extremely difficult for me. I agreed I would do the cognitive behavioural therapy and just keep telling myself that everything was okay. To repeat what day of the week it was and keep repeating where I was going. All the while telling myself that I’d done the drive a hundred times and each time I had made it safely, then BBOOOMMM! Just like a gunshot... A truck had passed us on the right and one of his rear tires exploded, and hit the passenger side of the car so hard I ended up with almost $1000.00 of damage.

...Seconds before, I had asked Alyssa to wind up her window so I could put on the air conditioner, and thank goodness I had, because the remnants of the tire would have come into the car and done serious damage to my baby girl. She screamed, I screamed, and then my adrenaline kicked in, and I raced off after the truck like I was a Nascar driver. We caught him, got his information, and that’s when I broke down. After all, I was already stressed when I left the house and when the tire blew, it sounded like a gun went off and it triggered me...

Today, I can’t get into a vehicle without white-knuckling it, and being a bad passenger. Not because I’m giving unsolicited advice or telling someone how to drive; it’s all about fear and anxiety. I make gasping noises, hold onto the door handle like it’s a parachute release and ride the imaginary brake that’s under both my feet like I’m trying to kill something.

Anyway, I was wondering if anyone had any advice on how to be more relaxed in the car? One of my husband and my retirement plans is to travel. One of those ways is to get into a Motorhome and drive until the scenery compels us to stop, and I’m not sure I can do that in my present state.  

Stay safe, and stay strong. Thanks for following.

Try Not to Be Another Bully My Mind Has to Contend with. (approx. 1½ - 2 min. read)

Seeing as next week is Bell Let’s Talk week, I thought I’d talk about language and how you can do just as much damage saying things like “fragile,” as you can by saying “nut” or “psycho.” And it could just be me, but when people pity me it makes me really angry. Not because of the label itself, but because the incessant battle in my head will take that label and spend the next month or so trying to figure out if I am that label? ...Because unlike most people I’m unable to roll my eyes and move on; that would take confidence.

Let’s look at the word confidence for a minute... The definition is: the feeling or belief that one can rely on someone or something; firm trust; the state of feeling certain about the truth of something...

I’ve lived a life of lies; by omitting the truth about most of the bad things that happened in my life and I don’t trust myself let alone anyone, or anything else. I have found that people can be really (REALLY) nasty, and I have trouble believing in humanity. I try, but I just don’t have enough confidence. And when you criticize me, I shut down externally. Not because I want to, but because it seems to be a normal reaction for me. On the outside it would appear to anyone that I’ve completely shut down, but I haven’t. I’m struggling inside my head, almost like I’m a referee to the relentless, un-abating conflict going on in my mind.

“...Fragile, what the heck did she mean by that?! I’m not fragile, am I? I know people have said they feel sorry for me, but fragile?! I think I’m pretty darn strong... Then again I’m not quite right in the head, so maybe they’re right... I’m screwed, aren’t I. ...Totally friggin screwed.”

And then I start thinking the world would be so much better without my “drama,” and the downward spiral starts...

My advice for Let’s Talk week... If you have to label someone; be careful what you say. People with mental illnesses are already fighting a battle inside their heads, and it would be way more helpful to eradicate the stigma around mental health, instead of being another bully our minds have to contend with.

Stay safe and stay strong. Thanks for following.

Changing My Lifestyle. (approx. 2 - 2½ min. read)

About 3 years after I was diagnosed with PTSD, I was diagnosed with stress induced Type II diabetes. I was shocked, but instead of giving into it I decided I was going to do everything in my power to change it.

The first thing I looked into was the food I had been eating, and it wasn’t good. As some of you know, working full-time and being a single parent is quite difficult and it’s much easier to pick “something” up or throw “something” in the oven, than make something from scratch. Needless to say, I had fallen into the trap of eating mostly processed foods and when it wasn’t from the grocery store, it was take-out from places like McDonald’s, or Pizza Hut.

But I digress...

I went through my cupboards and got rid of anything that had a label I couldn’t read, or I knew contained preservatives. Artificial sweeteners, MSG (monosodium glutamate), BHA/BHT, hydrogenated vegetable oil, nitrates/nitrites, sodium benzoate, etc., it all went into the garbage. When I was finished there was nothing left except a few tomato products (from Italy), basmati rice, olive oil and some organic crackers! ...How could I have become such an unhealthy eater?!

The next step was to start an exercise plan, as well as figure out how to deal with the things that were causing me so much stress. Trouble was (and still is), I’m not very good at getting out of the house. A friend suggested I try to find something on the internet, so I did. It’s a site called HASfit (hasfit.com) and they offer over 1,000 fitness videos, meal plans and the best motivation you will ever get. The greatest thing about it - it’s FREE; all of it!

I started off with the beginner videos, and worked out 5 to 6 times a week; instead of the 7 I’d been doing for years (and I mean years). I slowly worked up to the HIIT (High Intensity Interval Training) videos and after I’d been doing them for a few months, I challenged myself to do Coach Kozak’s “Warrior 90 Day program.” Which I found to be an incredible collection of HIIT, upper body, lower body and abdominal workouts!

The rest is history! It’s been 7 years since I started taking better care of myself, and not only have I eliminated processed foods; 80-85% of the food I eat is organic and I stick mostly to whole foods. I’ve lost over 30 pounds of fat, gained 20 pounds of muscle, and I’m stronger than I’ve ever been in my life. The best thing about changing my lifestyle is that I no longer have a medical diagnosis of Type II Diabetes.

Stay safe, and stay strong.

Happy New Year Everyone! (approx. 2½ - 3 min. read)

My husband and I spent the holidays in Negril, Jamaica and it was amazing. It was the first time we’ve ever been away from home for Christmas, and I have to admit I was a basket-case in the weeks leading up to our holiday, but it was so great; we’ve decided we’re going to do it every year.

Christmas morning I was up around 4:30 because I still hadn’t finished packing... Truth be known, I hadn’t even started. As you know, I put events completely out of my mind until I have to face them, and this was one of them. But I digress...

Christmas morning... I grabbed all the stuff that was still hanging to dry from the night before, and proceeded to lay it out on the bed in the spare room. …I’m not sure what I was thinking because we had to leave no later than 6:15, and I was running out of time, but I seemed to think it was important to take a picture of everything before I packed. ...You know just in case they lost my suitcase?!

After about an hour Gary got up and not only had I failed at putting anything in the suitcase, I hadn’t showered, or eaten anything yet. ...I think part of me wanted to miss the flight, but as you know I don’t think rationally when I’m in that headspace.

I sort of snap out of it, rush down the hallway, and have my shower. When I’m done drying my hair, I head back into the spare room and proceed to cram everything that was on the bed, into the suitcase. As I’m hastily throwing things in, I realize it won’t all fit, so I’m forced to leave some of it on the bed. ...Hoping that all I’m leaving behind are doubles and triples of things, instead of what I truly need.

When I’m done cramming, I close the suitcase and start tugging on the zipper but I can’t get it to budge… I shift my weight so I’m leaning over it, make sure everything is tucked in and try tugging on the zipper again. I pull and tug, and tug and pull, but it won’t budge. My body temperature starts to rise and I feel like my body is going to combust. The sweat starts coming out of every pore of my body, and runs into my eyes and I have to close them because they start to sting.

The next think I know is I’m laughing; not funny ha-ha laughter, but the kind of laughter that borders on hysteria and then I start crying…  I feel Gary’s hand on my shoulder and instead of criticizing me for packing too much he gently pushes me aside, and proceeds to zip up my over-stuffed suitcase. When he’s done he turns to me, hugs me and reassures me the zipper was just stuck, and that it had nothing to do with me packing too much. (Have I told you how much I love this man?!)

Anyway, the rest of the holiday was incredible! I worked myself into a frenzy in the weeks leading up to it, and it really was all for naught. We didn’t get hijacked, we didn’t crash and the door-locks in Jamaica work just as well as the ones in Canada.

Stay safe and stay strong!

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays...

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Ramadan, Winter Solstice; whatever you celebrate, enjoy! Try to remember it’s all about you, so take care of your inner child, and try to distance yourself from negativity. I’m going to; by completely going off the radar until the first week of January, and for me that means no computer, no phone, no twitter, and especially no media.

Thank you so much for your support. Stay safe, stay strong and I’ll see you in the New Year.

Being Kind to My Inner Child This Christmas... (approx. 3 - 3½ min. read)

I’ve been trying to write a blog this week, but I’m having an incredibly tough time. I can’t seem to get the thoughts in my head written in a way that is easy to read, but here goes...

If you’ve been following me you know I don’t get out much, and when I do it’s not very often I’ll go anywhere there’s a crowd. I have huge issues trusting people, and if there are any more than ten people in a room, I’m extremely uneasy; especially when its people that don’t have my best interest in mind.

 ...It wasn’t always this way, but since I had my run in with the man in the red shirt, my life has changed. Now I find it really hard making small talk with people I know are talking about me behind my back. People that say I’m faking it one minute, and then say I’m crazy the next. Don’t get me wrong, because most of the people at my family gatherings are genuine and I miss them; it’s the few that aren’t genuine that make it difficult for me. They wait until I’m standing alone, say something under their breath and then leave before I’ve had a chance to absorb what they’ve said...

It’s those moments that make me feel anxious from the second I say yes to an invite. And as it gets closer to the event, my anxiety seems to go through the roof! I become incredibly forgetful, a lot more hyper-vigilante, and I hide out. I avoid sleeping by going to bed extremely late, and getting up early because the nightmares increase with my stress levels. ...And I dissociate, which means I lose a lot of time as well.

I do whatever it takes to mentally prepare myself for the onslaught so that I can get through it relatively unscathed, because I not only worry leading up to the event; I beat myself up for weeks after it. Not for anything I’ve done, but for what I didn’t do!

It’s like I never know what to say to an insult, and I usually end up standing there with my mouth agape. Almost like it’s the first time I’ve ever been insulted! And what makes it worse is that normally I’m quite witty, but instead of defending myself, I seem to revert to a three year old and all I can think is, If you can’t find anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all...

Then for weeks after the hurtful situation, I play out what I should have said. ...Over and over, banging my head against the wall (figuratively of course), asking myself how I could have let them hurt me - again?! It’s ludicrous...

Anyway, this year I’m going to be kind to my inner child and avoid the people who make me feel uncomfortable; for lack of a better word. I’m going to surround myself with the people that love, and accept me for who I am. Plus I’m going offline for the holidays so there will be no possibility of hearing anything that will be a stressor/trigger for me.

...But don’t worry, I’ll be back the first week of January to tell you how being kind to myself helped make the hardest time of the year a little easier.

Stay safe and stay strong and whether you’re celebrating Christmas, Hanukkah, Ramadan, Kwanzaa, or family, have a wonderful time and I’ll see you in the New Year!

Pushing Myself to the Brink... (approx. 2 - 2½ min. read)

This week’s blog is about pushing myself too hard physically; so hard in fact that I’ve had quite a few injuries that have required surgery. Amongst my injuries; tendonitis in both elbows (at least once,) torn rotator cuffs (at the same time), torn ligaments in my right foot, left knee (ACL), and now a partial tear in the Achilles tendon in my left foot.

Dealing with this subject in therapy wasn’t my idea; it came from a person that’s known my family for over forty years. She lived on the same street when my brothers, and I were kids, and she knows a lot of what went on; not just from a friend’s perspective, but also a neighbour’s. She is loving, caring, compassionate, a good slap upside the head when I need it (lol!), and someone I trust implicitly. So I decided to follow her advice and work on why I push myself so hard during my next session.

When I got to the therapist's, we started the session with her saying “Concerning pushing yourself too hard; was there anything that has been suppressed?”

After about 15 minutes of asking myself that question, and blurting out anything that’s related to that question, I realize that yes; there definitely were things that were suppressed. ...Lots of things and I blurt them out one after the other until the therapist and I think we’ve uncovered the root of the problem and then we move on to the next question...

“Concerning pushing yourself too hard, was there anything that has been criticized?” Once again, I ponder the question, blurt out everything that comes to the surface, and then move onto the next question.

While I’m doing the therapy it feels like it’s taking forever, but after less than an hour I realize I’ve had another epiphany; just like when we did the session on lying!

...The epiphany? Pushing myself too hard is something I’ve done most of my life; just like the lies of omission. I’m a product of my environment, and it’s time I stopped repeating the things I was told growing up, because they are wrong! A lot of what my abusers told me in the past were lies, and none of what they said or what they did, had anything to do with me.  It was all about them, and their feelings of inadequacy; not what they projected onto me.

Going forward... I no longer have to push myself to the brink, because now I know I’m good enough, and not only am I a good person, I’m a great person!

Stay safe, and stay strong.

Lies of Omission... (approx. 1½ - 2 min. read)

What a week. I started Traumatic Incident Reduction/Unblocking and I’ve uncovered something so huge about myself, and how I’ve been living my life that I’ve had an epiphany.

You want to know what it is?!

I’ve been lying my whole life; not intentionally, but by omission. Now don’t get me wrong because I didn’t, and don’t lie intentionally, but I learned from a very young age that I would get punished if I talked about certain things, so I became very guarded about what I talked about, and what I kept secret.

Never realizing (consciously) that by omitting the facts, I was doing the same thing as lying; until now. Now I totally understand why I’m being accused of lying, and why it hurts so much when someone calls me a liar! I’ve kept so much to myself and although I told a lot of it to therapists, no one in my circle of friends or family knew the truth.

I tried in the beginning (to tell the truth), but over the years I learned that if it wasn’t positive conversation, it would be stopped in its tracks, so I kept it all inside. Needless to say, a lot of people are hearing this stuff for the first time, and it only makes sense that certain people would think I’m lying now. Heck, I didn’t even share this stuff with the person I’ve come to know as my ROCK, and he’s my husband!

Anyway this has been (and still is), so detrimental to my well-being, and it’s time I started taking care of myself. I will no longer protect the people that have, and continue to cause me harm by keeping my past hidden. It’s time the truth came out, and I believe this therapy is going to help me get to the bottom of it.

...So stay safe, stay strong, and make sure you hold onto your hat, because I have a feeling this is going to be one heck of a ride!

Going into Survival Mode... (approx. 2 - 2½ min. read)

I was raised with the attitude that mental issues were just made up; that they were just a person’s indolent, slothful excuse to get out of holding down a job. So after I was held up, not only was I dealing with the brain trauma, I was dealing with insolence from myself; as well as getting it from some of my family.

Over the years I have struggled... Man have I struggled, and I’ve thought about suicide - a lot! I’ve spent years in therapy trying to find a “cure;” trying anything from CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) to EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique), always going into each treatment with an open mind. ...Hoping beyond all hope that something was going to work, but when the treatment would fail, I would come crashing down like the rug had literally been ripped out from under me and it would take months to get me back on my feet again.

It’s now been almost 4 years since I’ve tried any kind of therapy, and I’m in a really bad place. Over the last seven months; since my oldest sibling died, I’ve tried to reach out to my family for answers as to why they allowed me to go through what I went through ...I got two responses; one saying they’d never done anything to warrant an apology, the other asking me if I remembered any of the good times?

Which don’t get me wrong; I have some great memories, but they seem to be buried under all of the bad memories, and I can’t figure out how to get past them. I feel like I’m drowning and I desperately need someone to throw me a rope.

 My life is passing me by, and I’m scared; terrified in fact! Although I have some really good relationships, I’m having a lot of trouble focusing on them. I not only lost my older brother this year; I believe I lost a large portion of my family (through alienation), and I’ve never felt so solitary. I’ve been questioning everything about my life, and because of the reaction from my parents; the people that should love me unconditionally, I’m scared I’m going to lose everyone. After all, if some of my biological family thinks I’m f*#ked up, how long will it be until everyone starts to believe I am?!

So... This is where I go into survival mode and fight back. I’m going to try therapy again and I start tomorrow. The treatment is something I haven’t heard much about, but I’m keeping my fingers (and toes) crossed that it’s going to give me some hope, and stop the suicidal ideation.

For those of you that are interested, it’s called Trauma Incident Reduction treatment, and you can find out more by checking it out here: http://www.tir.org/about-tir.html, or you can read about my progress here to see if you think it will work for you.

Thank you so much for your support! Stay safe and stay strong. 

Last Week Was a Huge Trigger for Me! (approx. 2 min. read)

Shortly after I was held up I realized that when I heard words like shootings, stabbings, terrorist attacks or robberies, I would end up in a full blown trigger. So over the past ten years, I cut out reading the newspaper, disconnected cable television, and I stopped listening to the radio when I know the news is going to be on.

Up until last week this plan had been working really well for me, but then social media took over and there was no getting away from it...

The first thing I read that indicated something horrific was going on was a post that said “Pray for Paris,” then Twitter, and Facebook seemed to go crazy. I saw words like shootings, concert, 49 dead, and went into a full blown panic attack; which means symptoms like, but not limited to severe chest pain (almost like what you think a heart attack would feel like), profuse sweating, shaking, and increased pulse.

Then I seemed to lose all touch with reality, and all I could do was cry for all the people that were going to be affected by this tragedy. I cried on and off for hours as I thought about the people that had died; the people that were injured; the people that had witnessed the attacks; and the people that had lost a loved one.

As you know I’m a PTSD survivor and I’ve experienced what these people and their families were going through. More importantly, I knew what they were going to have to deal with, and it literally broke my heart. Statistics state that 20% of people that witness a traumatic event will go on to develop PTSD, and I couldn’t get over how sad I was knowing how much this attack was going to affect so many people.

PTSD is a horrible injury and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone; it changes you to the core of your very being and you need to do whatever you need to, to get through. Be kind to yourself, understand that you’re having a normal reaction to an abnormal situation and remember to surround yourself with people that love and understand you.

Stay safe and stay strong.

References:

http://www.sidran.org/resources/for-survivors-and-loved-ones/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-fact-sheet/

Facts About PTSD and Suicide. (approx. 4½ - 5 min. read)

Life has been really hard since I started talking about “it” and I have to tell you there are times when I think about stopping, but as hard as it is; it’s helping to heal me.

Sure there are times when I want to curl up in a fetal position and sob like a baby (and I do), but I truly believe “That which does not kill us, makes us stronger.” So if there’s a week or two that you don’t hear from me, don’t worry; I’ll be back. I haven’t taken time off because I’ve given up; it’s because I’m being kind to myself.

...Besides, I know some of you are wondering who the heck I think I am writing about PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder)? I’m not a Doctor and other than being diagnosed with PTSD, what do I know - right?! So this week; instead of writing my own blog, I decided to post an article that discusses the correlation between trauma and PTSD; not just combat and PTSD. It also has some mindboggling facts on why someone with PTSD needs to be kind to themselves when they are without the support of loved ones.

Stay safe, and stay strong.

35 Engrossing PTSD Suicide Statistics

PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) is a common condition that is experienced by a wide variety of different people throughout the world. The most common belief is that PTSD is only experienced by veterans who are returning from their service but in reality, PTSD is the result of any traumatic event that is experienced by an individual. PTSD is a difficult condition to live with as it can bring forth an ample amount of negative effects such as inability to sleep, extreme anxiety, and even depression. With that being said, it is also the leading cause for suicide around the world.

1. In 2012 over 5000 suicides in the United States alone occurred as a result of combat-based PTSD.
2. PTSD related suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the United States.
3. 7.5% of people in the world experience PTSD during their lifetime.
4. 5 million Americans suffer from PTSD on an annual basis.
5. Women are 2 times more likely (10%) to acquire PTSD than men (5%).
6. The majority of individuals with PTSD also suffer from further mental disorders such as depression.
7. Police officers, firefighters, war veterans, and EMT workers are more vulnerable to PTSD than traditional citizens.
8. Anyone who is suffering from PTSD is at an incredibly high risk for suicide.
9. 22% of people who had suffered PTSD from rape attempted suicide at one point in their lifetime.
10. 23% of individuals with PTSD from a physical assault event also attempted suicide at one point in their lives.
11. 24% of individuals who were confronted with sexual assault as a child attempted suicide throughout their lifetime.
12. The severity of PTSD depends on the severity of the situation and the duration of the event.
13. Aside from self-harm, sufferers from PTSD will be prone to other dangerous behavior such as violence, hatred, and estrangement.
14. 60% of women in the world experience a trauma at one point in their lives.
15. 50% of men experience a trauma at one point in their lives.
16. 11% to 20% of veterans from the Afghanistan and Iraq wars suffer from PTSD.
17. 10% of the Gulf War vets suffer from PTSD.
18. 30% of veterans from Vietnam suffer from PTSD.
19. 55% of women in the military developed a form of PTSD from sexual harassment and assault.
20. 38% of men in the military developed a form of PTSD from sexual harassment and assault.
21. 36.6% of PTSD victims are classified as severe cases (at-risk for suicide).
22. The majority of individuals suffering from PTSD are between the ages of 45 and 59, followed by 30 years of age and 44 years old.
23. 49.9% of people suffering from PTSD are currently in the process of receiving treatment via a licensed healthcare professional.
24. $42.3 billion is allocated to the prevention and assistance associated with PTSD treatment.
25. Individuals with PTSD have the highest rate of using healthcare services due to the fact that there are wide arrays of symptoms experienced from this disorder.
26. 60% to 80% of individuals who are victims of a severe traumatic event will develop PTSD.
27. 50% of outpatient mental health professionals have PTSD.
28. There have been higher rates of PTSD seen in African Americans, Native Americans, and Hispanics.
29. 1 in 5 veterans returning from combat will have PTSD.
30. 13% to 43% of boys and girls will experience a traumatic event during their childhood.
31. 30% to 60% of children who survive a specific disaster suffer from PTSD.
32. 33% of youth that are exposed to community violence develop PTSD.
33. 90% of sexually abused children develop PTSD.
34. 77% of children exposed to a school shooting develop PTSD.
35. Over 65% of children exposed to a traumatic event will attempt to take their own life at one point during their lifetime. 

References:

http://healthresearchfunding.org/engrossing-ptsd-suicide-statistics/ 

Do What You Gotta Do... (approx. 2 min. read)

I’ve had quite a bit of feedback, and it sounds like I need to share some of the things I do to get me through and the first one is use those words as part of a mantra; “Do what you gotta do, to get you through.” It’s not good grammar, but it’s short, sweet and to the point. When you’re in that moment, do whatever it is you have to do to get you through; whether its meditate, breathe, talk yourself down, wrap yourself in a blanket, or cuddle with a loved one; family pets included.

Take care of yourself, as well as your body by eating well, and exercising. …And yeah I know, most people dislike exercising intensely, but I haven’t been able to find much else that works as well to alleviate my stress. Cut out negative people; even if they’re family.  Negative people make you question yourself, and you don’t need to be questioning yourself anymore than you already do. Negative people are energy vampires, and it’s important to try and distance yourself from anyone that is telling you to “get over it.” Surround yourself with people that are positive and believe in YOU. Positive people give off positive energy and positive energy helps you to feel good about yourself, and will help you to become a PTSD survivor, instead of a sufferer.

Find a support group; I did. I found a forum that I believe has helped to save my life: www.myptsd.com and I just got my award for being part of the site for 9 years. This site (myptsd.com) is run by a very compassionate man called Anthony and is comprised of PTSD sufferers, PTSD supporters and it has just about everything you need to know about PTSD diagnosis, signs and symptoms. There are currently 461 members and I have to tell you it wasn’t long before I was calling them my PTSD family. The best thing about this group…You never have to leave the safety of your own home.

One last thing I would like to say before I sign out this week; what works for me might not work for you. You might not be in the right headspace, or you may have tried the things I’m suggesting, and they didn’t work for you. As I mentioned earlier; you have to do what YOU gotta do to get YOU through and if I’m not saying anything that helps you, find someone or something that will. Honestly. You owe it to yourself, despite what you may have been told in the past.

Stay safe, and stay strong.

References:

https://www.myptsd.com/13-steps-for-managing-flashbacks/119/

Beliefs. (approx. 2 min. read)

I have always lived with the belief “to do unto others as I would have them do unto me;” regardless of how they treat, or have treated me. I believe in kindness and I also believe it isn’t my place to “pay” someone back for hurting me. I further believe what goes around comes around (eventually), and that Karma will triumph, but right now I feel defeated. 

I grew up terrified, alone, and feeling completely overwhelmed, but the one thing that kept me going was the belief that the truth would eventually surface. ...That’s what we’re told growing up; the truth will always come out, but right now I feel like the joke is on me. It appears I’ve done such a good job at hiding the truth, I’m now being accused of being a liar.

A liar?! Everybody knows talking about mental issues will alienate you from just about everyone, so why would I make this shit up?! I knew telling the truth about my past was going to make things difficult for me and there would be people that wouldn’t talk to me anymore, but I had no idea biological family would be part of that equation.

We all believe our biological family will love us unconditionally. That they will accept us with our flaws, and shortcomings; especially our parents, because when they don’t, we question ourselves; at least I do. I have always thought that everything that has gone wrong in my world was/is because of me, and I know it’s because of the lack of support I’ve received throughout my life, but I’m really quite down. I’ve honestly never felt so disillusioned in my life and it’s making me question this book, my life, everything...

But, and this is a huge but, this is where I’m going to rely on my chosen family; the family and friends that accept me for who I am. They know what I’ve been through, and even if they don’t understand the disease; they understand me. These people - you know who you are(!) - have always got my back, and I’ll always have theirs.

This week’s closing words of advice are to STOP dwelling on negative people!! Make it a point to surround yourself with people that are positive and love you for who you are; flaws, shortcomings, mental diseases, and all.

Stay safe and stay strong. Thanks for following.

Taking a Step Back...

My husband told me yesterday between writing my book and this blog, I’m “breaking myself,” and he’s right. It’s been really hard talking about why I ended up with PTSD and instead of feeling better; I’ve never felt more alone. So please accept my apologies while I take a step back. Once I get through this trigger, I'll be back; stronger than ever.

Thank you so much for your support.

It's Been Eight Weeks... (approx. 2½ - 3 min. read)

It’s been eight weeks since I decided to talk about “it” and I have to say, it’s been a really tough eight weeks. I thought by telling my story, people would finally understand why I have PTSD, but that couldn’t be farther from the truth. It seems like they would rather continue believing the lies that have been told for decades, and it’s literally breaking my heart.

Some of the people I always thought would have my back have turned their backs on me, and I just don't understand. I’m a good person, and I always strive to do the right thing. I am giving, and almost always put other people, and their wishes, before my own. I forgive, and forgive, and forgive, and long after most people have closed the door, mine is still open.

The reason it’s still open? I’m afraid people aren’t going to like me if I go against the grain. I just don’t believe I’m worthy, or that I’m good enough because I was brought up in a world where everything I did was wrong, and nothing I did was good enough; ever.

Like most kids in my era, I got the hairbrush, the wooden spoon, etc., but I was also threatened - regularly. One of those threats was if I ever told anyone what was going on in our home, my face would be scarred for life.

...Yes, I said my face. I was told the only way I’d get by in life was with my looks because I wasn’t smart enough to go to University, or have a career, so I kept my mouth shut.

My father didn’t do much to help with my feelings of inadequacy because he left when I was 13 years old, and didn’t try to contact us. After a year of feeling completely abandoned, I mustered up the courage to call him; I was so afraid of being rejected, and I asked him why he hadn’t called me, or my brothers? His answer was; he hadn’t called because my mother had told him not to. Me, being the loving, forgiving person that I am; accepted his answer and forgave him. No questions asked.

Now when I think back, I realize I forgave him without him giving me a proper explanation because I was desperate; desperate for help. I needed someone to love and protect me, and at that point I would’ve taken it from anyone. I had been left in a home where I was being abused every day, and I desperately needed confirmation that it wasn’t my fault. That the reason I was being abused wasn’t because I was a bad person, but because no one was protecting me; a child.

A child I might add that was extremely vulnerable, and didn’t deserve to be abused by anyone; especially their loved ones. There is research that suggests physical or sexual abuse may lead to changes in the stress response in the brain. These changes to the stress response increase the risk of suicidal thoughts and behaviour, so people like me (that don’t believe in suicide) have no control over suicidal thoughts when we’re in a high stress situation.

So, will I continue to tell my story?

Freakin’ right I will! There are way too many child abuse victims committing suicide, and it’s time people learned how hard it is for childhood abuse victims to survive with PTSD, or other mental issues.

Stay safe and stay strong. Thanks for following.

References:

http://www.futurity.org/childhood-abuse-raises-adult-suicide-risk/